Okay, to recap, today was a suck day for me. First because I'm a frump and I need fashion help. That was the first post.
This one is for serious. It's about Sofia and how I'm failing her. And I'm about to get all drunk-sad so it's probably good you can't see me. You guys! I need to be a good mom to her and I feel like I'm failing.
It's her school. I use the term so loosely because it's a morning program at a church and they really only just keep them alive until I come pick her up. I'm unhappy with them and I need you to talk me off the ledge.
Sofia is so smart. Like crazy smart and yeah, I'm biased because she's my kid and maybe if you tested her, she'd just be regular. But just the same, she amazes me hourly. And I feel guilty when I have to do laundry or the dishes or vacuum when I should be teaching her calculus or playing Mozart because I bet she would get it.
I went to pick her up on Monday and when I walked in, the tv was on, and I got livid.
We don't have cable at our house and the tv is rarely on. I say rarely because when I have to cook dinner or let's be honest, *I'm* the one who needs a time out, I sho'will turn on Yo Gabba Gabba so I can get a minute to myself.
I feel guilty as hell, but I feel like tv is *my* privilege. I'm the only one who is with her 24-7 and if you're only watching her for two hours twice a week, you can get by without turning the tv on. I know she's not in some hoity toity advanced boarding school, but damn! It's two hours! Do you need to have the tv on? Can't you maybe teach her some shit?
But I'm torn because I've grown to love my two free hours twice a week. One time? I got Starbucks and wandered around Pier 1 for over an hour just looking at stuff and it was magical. Because yeah, the yoga? That shit was a joke. I didn't even break a sweat and barely raised my heart rate above sleeping. In my world, that's not yoga. I need to be sweating, shaking and smiling.
And their "crafts" are an even bigger joke.
Does it look like a one-year-old made this?
When I arrived to pick her up, all the "crafts" were lined up outside the room.
Every last one of them looked identical.
The teachers just made them and put the kids' names on them!
That's not craft time! What was my kid doing while the teachers were crafting for them?
That annoyed me to no end and I was going to do better. I was going to be better. My daughter and I were going to make a real craft, one where she was in charge, where she would be the one to create. It was going to be magical, I was going to guide my daughter to find her creative muse, to unlock that little toddler mind. I was going to foster that greatness in her!
I went to Michael's and bought a canvas because I was going to let her fingerpaint all over it and then I was going to paint over it like this.
It was going to be awesome.
I laid everything out and was like "Are you ready?"
She was all "Ready!!"
And then I died of the cuteness.
But this was as far as we got.
Because fingerpainting was a bust.
My muse? My little Picasso? My artista? Doesn't like getting her hands dirty. She looooves her markers, she haaaates finger paints. She dipped one finger in, rubbed it on the canvas and shoved her hand in my face and was all "HANDS" as in, my hands are dirty clean them now woman.
You guys. I was crushed. I was so proud of myself for being better than her dumb "school". *I* wasn't going to stifle her creativity, *I* was going to let her blossom and explore and I felt like the biggest failure when I couldn't get my kid to be creative. I felt like even more of a failure when after five seconds of painting she went to the living room and was all "TV! Gabba!"
I felt like I couldn't do anything right. I let her watch too much tv. I'm not exposing her to enough stuff. She's going to be the deprived kid and it'll be my fault because I read blogs when I should be teaching her.
Except that staying at home day in and day out is hard. I feel so isolated, especially since it's gotten cold and getting out of the house is the biggest pain in my ass. Kid mittens are the devil. And getting the coat and the hat and the mittens and the diaper bag and putting the dog away and getting my keys and setting the alarm and walking out only to realize I left my phone and have to go back and then re-set the alarm, lug all that shit to the car, take off the coat and hat and mittens because they can't wear that shit in the carseat and it takes for-frickin-EVER and did I mention Sofia hates bundling up? As soon as one mitten is on and I try to do the other one, she pulls off the first one. The hat rarely stays on her head, the coat is a joke and as much as I plead with her that you can't go outside naked, child! she still fights to put all that stuff on. It makes me so tired I just want to stay home.
But we can't stay home. I have to get out in the world, I have to teach her, we have to interact, socialize. So it takes us thirty minutes to walk out the door for an hour playdate that inevitably ruins naptime and the whole day is shot.
Because then she's all clingy and having a person attached to you for upwards of 8 hours a day every single day all the damn time is tough and I feel like a troll for wanting my space, and then I feel like I've failed again. Too soon, she'll be all independent and not want anything to do with me and I'll long for the days when she refused to let me put her down. I know that and it makes me feel that much worse for not being able to enjoy her clingy moments.
And that's why Drew got me drunk. Because I was at the dinner table crying because Sofia was all "Hole you!" and the last thing I wanted to do was hold her because that's what I'd been doing all damn day with the exception of the five seconds I tried to be an awesome mom and encourage her creativity and failed at that. And now I didn't even want to hold my own kid and I hated myself. I just wanted to take five seconds to pee alone. That's all. Thank God he bathed her and those few moments by myself with that glass of wine were perfect. And I hated that I enjoyed it that much. I felt like a terrible person and the shame cycle started all over.
I want to take her out of school because they're not teaching her, but I obviously can't do any better and I'm scared to give up that me time. I'm so torn and I have no idea if anyone else has ever gone through this. I don't know what to do and Drew is encouraging me not to give up my time. I just don't feel like I'm doing right by her keeping her in there, but I'm definitely not doing right by her if I'm so worn thin that I can't even hold her when she wants me to.
Please tell me you, or your cousin's neighbor's best friend's sister went through this. Because I feel like the worst mother ever right now and I hate that.