The bleeding started early this morning. It was just spotting but it was bright red, and I knew. However, Sofia had to go to school so I had no choice but to put on an industrial strength maxi pad and head out.
I also had a list of errands to run while she was in school and I figured I better try to get them done while I was still able. That may not have been the best idea because I had to make a break for it in Michael's. I had the pad on and I knew there wouldn't be an accident but I was flowing so heavily that it still felt like I was going to pee my pants. Of course, there was no pee but there were some monster clots. Thank you Michael's, for having decent restrooms because I was holed up for a minute.
By the time I picked up Sofia and headed home, the cramps had gotten way worse. Remember the last time I miscarried and I wondered if the cramps were like labor? Well, now that I've been in labor I know what it feels like, I knew I was in labor. It wasn't as painful as trying to get a full-term baby out, but my body was trying to expel tissue and it was plenty painful. I was doing the breathing and the swaying and everything. It wasn't like this last time. Last time there was just one cramp, and I wonder if it was because I wasn't as far along as I was this time. Who knows about these things. Thankfully, Sofia went straight to sleep right after we got home so I could work through it without feeling like I was neglecting her. I could grip the countertops and heavy breathe without scaring her.
Because it took some time. Thank God for naps! A few mighty cramps and some more monster clots later, I passed the tissue. By the date of my last period, I was about seven weeks and there was more than a little bit there. Honestly, it was pretty unnerving, but I couldn't help but feel relieved that it was coming out on its own.
And then it was over.
The bleeding almost immediately got lighter, the cramps disappeared and I felt somewhat normal again. I had a few moments to catch my breath and try to wrap my head around what just happened, and then Sofia woke up and I was jolted back to the reality of a hungry toddler who needed feeding and entertaining.
That's how the rest of my day went. We had a dance party in the living room and I was able to keep up with no problems. We played with her blocks and ran around downstairs in the newly cleared out basement. Things had changed but they were still the same.
I don't know if it was a true blighted ovum, or there was something in there and the ultrasound just couldn't pick it up. You know, like last time. I just know that on some level, a part of me mourns what could have been.
-Drew and I talked about getting a fake Christmas tree next year because the new baby would be here, and we couldn't have him or her getting hurt on needles.
-I'd already picked out the double stroller I wanted.
-I was already dreading the end of the pregnancy because I was going to be due in July and I swell up in the heat even when I'm not pregnant.
Even though I wasn't ready for that positive test, I came around quickly. I mean, it was a shock to decide one day that maybe possibly probably I might be okay with two kids, and to find out I'm pregnant the very next day. But I was getting my head around it, only for it to be gone just like that. All those possibilities, gone.
That's what I'm most sad about. I don't know what's going to happen next. I mean, we're going to keep trying but if I miscarried on the shots, does that mean they don't work anymore? If they don't, do I have another option? If I don't, then what?
I think about Sofia too. I know how trying to conceive makes you obsessed and crazy and I won't do that to her. Above all, I have to be there for her and I have to make sure that her world remains the shiny happy place it was yesterday and the day before that. That's my job in life and I won't fail her.
But the thoughts are there, just around the edges. Okay, I have to wait at least a full cycle, which means we can start trying again in February. I should get some ovulation sticks this time. Should I start the shots the week before my period? Should I find a different doctor? I should Google my clotting disorders again, maybe there have been new discoveries. I wonder who else in the world is dealing with this. I should find them, I should talk to them. I must figure out all the things.
But I can't do that to my kid. She needs her mom to be normal. I need to be normal. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I have to be okay with all outcomes. Seriously. It can't be any other way.
My life is amazingly blessed as it is right this moment. This loss, while extremely disappointing, is not nearly as devastating as it has been in the past and I have my daughter to thank for that. It's just not possible to be in the same room with her and not feel the most complete joy.
So that's where I put my focus. I have so much to be thankful for and I have so many blessings, and I know that I will continue to be blessed.
There is a perfect time for everything, and when the time is right, the time will be right.
Thank you all for the kind and encouraging comments, texts and emails. I am thankful for you. I am so fortunate that I get to have a support system in you. Truly, thank you.