This is my new favorite photo.
Drew is getting so much more comfortable with the baby and I'm so happy to see it! Like most men, he was super unsure of himself in the beginning and was quick to hand her off to me if she was anything but calm and/or asleep. Now, it seems the two of them are finding their rhythm. They're Hitting Their Stride, if you will.
Sorry, just took a five minute break while I went and threw up from how truly awful that pun was. I'm back now.
I've been asking my mom friends about their feelings the moment their baby was born. I asked them if they felt that super love moment when their baby was placed in their arms and most of them said yes, that they fell in love the second they touched their baby or looked into their eyes.
I did not have that feeling.
Sometimes I wonder if something might be a little off about me. Wait, who am I kidding. Something is definitely a little off about me. Anyway, I didn't feel that super love moment. When they placed Sofia in my arms, I was flooded with a sense of property. Proprietari-ness? No, that's not right.
Possession. As in, Sookeh is MINE kind of possession.
That look at the end of that clip? I sooo get that look and that's the look that anyone got who would dare get between me and my baby. We got our skin to skin bonding time right after she was born that only further strengthened that feeling for me. I definitely didn't want her back inside me - good gawd, I was glad to be un-pregnant! - but I didn't want her more than an inch away from me. They took her to the nursery for all the tests and things and I was a lunatic, ringing the nursery nonstop, asking when she'd be back.
Hi, this is Desiree Pieprzyk? Room 816? I had a baby about an hour ago? I was wondering when I can expect her back with me please? (Nice and polite, doing my best to hide the crazy.)
ten minutes later...
Hi there, so sorry to bother, it's Desiree in Room 816 again. I just called and don't mean to be a pain, but I was hoping my daughter will be brought back to me soon? Just a few more minutes? Great, thanks!
half hour later.....
Hi. I'm in Room 816 and I'd like to know when my daughter is coming back. That was an hour ago.
half hour after that.....
Hi. 816. Daughter. Bring her to me. NOW.
I was mildly surprised at how primal I felt. After all, I'd had the stirrings when I was still pregnant and I had one goal in life. Ensuring my daughter was returned to me. Once they brought her back, I was hard-pressed to let her go again and she hasn't been away from my side for that long since.
I'm not rude about it, and other people have held my baby - I'm not totally crazy. I just hover, which is completely okay. Right?
Then one day it happened. I hadn't noticed it before, but there was sort of a pit in my stomach that went away when I held the baby. I missed her while she slept - really missed her, like an obscene amount. I stared at her, wanting her to see me, hoping she saw me. I found myself wondering if she liked me and hoping she did. I'd talk to her, asking "Do you like that? Is that fun? Are you okay?" I was so unsure, I wanted to do everything right even as I knew I would make some mistakes but I wanted to try my hardest to make and keep her happy.
I was falling in love.
The kind that makes your stomach hurt. The kind where you can't sleep because you're thinking of the other person, even though you're tired and you want to sleep but then their face floats into your mind or you remember how their hair smells or that one time when they smiled at you and bam, no sleep.
It's that love where you like them more than they like you. And that's not to say my daughter doesn't like me as much as I like her, but when I was trying to think of the words to describe this feeling, this desperation, this all-consuming devotion, that's what I thought of.
I am head over heels, lovesick over my daughter. When I eat, I think of her - I think of the day that I'll get to share my meal with her, if she'll like it, what her favorite food will be. When I get dressed, I think of her - will she like yoga (and yoga pants?) Will she love or hate makeup and high heels? What kinds of clothing will she like to wear? I cannot stop thinking about her.
I didn't know if it was going to happen, I was worried that it wouldn't happen at all, but now that it has I am at once happy and scared.
I hope it calms down because it's kind of um, limiting. The thought of leaving her with a babysitter makes me hyperventilate, but I don't want to be one of those clingy moms that doesn't know how to cut the apron strings. I want her to be a confident independent person and she'll need a strong mother to do that. I'd like her to have siblings but the thought of another child, sibling or not, taking away her toys or pinching her makes me violent. However, I don't want her to grow up spoiled and whiny.
I live for her smiles and I want to do everything in my power to calm her when she's upset. I'm so sprung on this child. I feel like a dorky teenager again.
Hang up. No you hang up. No you. Okay, on three we'll both hang up. One..two...three....you didn't hang up! Go on, hang up.......