6:30 Saturday morning

Bright red blood with clots. We're on vacation. 

That's four miscarriages now; I'm just rackin' 'em up. 

Will write more later; I really thought this one was going to be it. I really don't know where to go from here and what this means...

Early pregnancy sucks

I hate everything right now.

Cramping is a common symptom in early pregnancy.  It means the embryo is moving in, hammering nails, hanging pictures, shoving furniture against the wall, getting cozy.

It's also a sign of miscarriage.

Spotting is also common.  It's just old blood and nothing to be worried about.

Unless you know, you're about to have a miscarriage.

Progesterone suppositories can mildly irritate the cervix, causing spotting.

So can a miscarriage.

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I knew I should have kept my mouth shut.  I should have waited to say anything because I'm not that person who gets to have normal worry-free pregnancies.

Then again, maybe I am.  I don't know, and that's why early pregnancy sucks giant hairy donkey balls.

I'm fucking having brown discharge.  Typing that is way way too much information and I apologize, but I couldn't think of an appropriate euphemism and I just want to type right now.

This afternoon it was super light and watery, pale and nothing to really be worried about, except I don't want to see anything on my liner, normal or not.  I want it to be just a plain liner, that's it.  I got the positive test on Thursday and had some light cramping on Saturday.  I thought that was weird because I usually cramp before I get a positive test, but even though I've been pregnant before, each pregnancy is unique.

I've also had two miscarriages that started with brown discharge, but I wasn't on Heparin for the first one, and I didn't start Heparin for the second one until 11 days after my missed period, assuming a 28-day cycle, which I really couldn't because I was still nursing and my cycles were all over the place.  But with that pregnancy, I knew in my gut that it was probably too late.

This time, I'm not nursing, I tested the day before I was due to have my period and I did my shot within seconds of getting a positive test.  This time, I did everything right and it was perfect.  It was just in time for Mother's Day and I felt so good about everything.  I just knew this one was going to work.

And then I have to go and start having fucking discharge.  It's not enough to even call it spotting, but I don't want to see anything.  I don't want anything coming out of there until January 16th, and then I want it to be a full-term baby.  That's the only thing that has permission to come out of my vagina.

But my asshole uterus does not appear to have gotten that memo and I'm pissed.  I did everything I could.  I couldn't have started the shots any sooner.  Well I guess I could, but if you start them before you're actually pregnant you run the risk of thinning out your uterine lining to the point that an embryo can't attach.  

I feel helpless - there's nothing more I can do.  I'm doing the shots, I'm on the suppositories, I'm taking the pills, but if my body isn't going to hold this pregnancy, there's nothing I can do about it.

I feel angry - my body is taunting me with this discharge.  If I'm going to fucking miscarry, just fucking get on with it.  Bleed or don't bleed asshole.  Quit fucking around with this discharge bullshit.  But actually, don't bleed.  Stop all activity right now and let me grow this baby.  Get out of the fucking way and let me have my little soul.  I mean it.

If there's even anything in there.  It could be another blighted ovum for all I know, which is another reason early pregnancy sucks.  Even if I got an ultrasound right now, they wouldn't be able to see anything definitively because I won't even be five weeks until Thursday.  That's way too early to make that kind of call.  

So I have to just sit here and wait, helpless and angry, waiting for my body to make up its fucking mind and do whatever it's going to fucking do.

This part sucks.

Best Mother's Day EVER

For Mother's Day this year, the only thing I wanted was time.  As in, time to myself.  Specifically, I wanted to go shopping by myself.  My jeans were feeling a little too tight and too low cut and I figured it was time to get a more grown-up pair.  You know, a pair where my belly fat and ass crack were properly contained.  

However, as everyone knows, buying a pair of jeans is not as easy as just going to the store and buying a pair that fits.  You have to try on millions of pairs to find the One Pair, and that is not something you can do with a toddler.

While Sofia was in school on Thursday, I went to Goodwill to get started.

I was shocked to find Paige, Banana Republic, American Eagle, Express and Gap, all for six bucks!  I tried them all on and determined that Gap and Express had the rise I was looking for, and I would have bought them at Goodwill but the pockets were too embellished for my taste.

Drew said he'd watch Sofia on Saturday and I could have the day to myself, shopping and being leisurely and whatnot.  It was going to be great and I was looking forward to my 'me day.'

In preparation for my 'me day', Friday night I went to the basement to pull my summer clothes out of the bins.  I was going to see what I had and buy what I needed to round out my summer wardrobe, since it's finally getting warm here!

And since we're in the basement, I owe you a playroom update.

Remember this picture? This was pre-awning but this is more about the layout.

At Sofia's birthday party, everyone sat on the floor on that side of the basement 

because no one has kids that are old enough to entertain themselves.

Duh - why didn't that occur to me?

So we opened everything up, so people could sit on the sofas and still see their kids

instead of having their backs to their babies.

It's much better this way.

Sofia got a tricycle from Drew's parents for her birthday 
and now that there's open space, she can ride it around.  
Once her feet can reach the pedals - a couple more months and she'll be golden.

Anyway, I crossed through the playroom to the other side of the basement to the junk side.  It's the catch-all side that holds all the rest of the stuff that we haven't gotten to yet, but one day we will, as soon as they make more than 24 hours in a day and more than two days in a weekend.

I turned on the light and made my way over to the bins that had my summer clothes.  *walk walk walk splish*

I stepped in water.

There was WATER in our BASEMENT.  There were BOXES sitting in WATER.

Drew was next door at the neighbors and I texted him to come home.  Thank God Sofia was asleep, because we spent the next four hours opening all the boxes, pulling out all the books - that got the most water damaged, go figure - and spreading everything out in the playroom.

You know what this is?  

This is my Me Day, floating away.
It turns out the gutters were clogged and we had several rainy days in a row that caused the basement to flood.  We're trying to figure out if this is going to be a major structural expensive repair situation or if we just need to be more vigilant with with gutters.
And by we, I mean Drew.  I don't do outside, roof-type stuff.

We had to move everything to the playroom, which was undamaged thank God.

So, instead of going shopping all day Saturday, we spent the day at Lowe's buying shelving units, unpacking boxes, throwing things away, mopping the floor and trying to put some order to the junky part of the basement.  And honestly, I'm not really complaining because it was fun to unpack the boxes and be all Oh so that's where that was! I've been looking for that!  And you know I do love a good organizing session.  

In addition to our basement being torn up, Maya is getting a new home too.

When we moved in, Drew built this pen for Maya.

We were going to bury an invisible fence around our property, but I wasn't keen on picking up half an acre's worth of dog poop.  Plus, Sofia is at the age where 
we need to get a swing set and sand box and stuff like that.  
The backyard needs to be her playground, not Maya's bathroom.

However, her doggie door is in the laundry room which is next to the kitchen, and on

rainy days, my entire house was nothing but muddy paw prints.

One too many days like that and something had to be done.

So, on Friday the contractors came and they're ripping up all the grass and putting in artificial turf and decking so Maya will have her very own luxury suite and I won't have mud in my house anymore.

This means that Maya can't go outside until Wednesday so we've had to put her on a leash to take her to the bathroom.  She is not used to that and doesn't like it, so it takes forever to get her to pee and poop.  Good times.

Additionally, we ran out of dog food on Friday so I went to the store to get some more, only to find that her brand had been recalled.  We had to make do with a comparable brand, which OF COURSE upset the stomach of my delicate flower of a dog.  We spent the weekend cleaning up dog vomit at all hours of the night, poor dog.

That's how my Mother's Day was shaping up - a flooded basement and dog vomit.  It wasn't ideal and Drew knew it, so on Mother's Day, he was like 'Why don't you take the baby to Ikea and go shopping?'

I burned rubber getting out of that driveway.  I was a woman on a mission and I knew exactly what I was going to get.

 Remember the hallway from the house tour?

I got five Ribba picture ledges, did some math, and Drew got to drilling.

Ten minutes later, I had my book wall!

I put the pouf there because I have visions of Sofia sitting there, 

reading and getting smart.

The top couple of shelves are ours, but the bottom ones are all Sofia.

Drew's parents gave us some books the last time we visited, 

and there were some classics in that box.  

Do y'all remember Superfudge? Madeleine L'Engle?

I totally squealed when I unpacked them and put them on the shelves.

I love my book wall so much and it was the perfect Mother's Day present!

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Well, it was the second most perfect Mother's Day present.

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Sofia got a new book to put on her book wall.

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She's studying up for her big test.

It's not until January and I'm sure she'll pass with flying colors.

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BAM.

It's insanely early and I haven't even had an ultrasound yet, but my beta is good and my progesterone is nice and high.  I found out before I even missed my period and did my shot within minutes of taking the test, so I have a good feeling about this one.  I'm claiming this one and I know we're going to have a happy ending.

I guess Dr. Sweetnerd was right - I just needed to stop nursing and my uterus wouldn't be so much of an asshole.  I kinda want my ten vials of blood back.  Yes, ten vials.  I for real almost fainted in his office.

And that, was my Mother's Day 2013.  

It Was Good.